What do a garburator and a tutu have to do with you and binge eating? Keep listening!

Welcome to The Done Bingeing Podcast. This is the place to hear about how you can pair the emerging brain science about why you binge with powerful life coaching to help you stop. If you want to explore a non-clinical approach to end binge eating, you’re in the right place. It’s time to free yourself. You have more power than you know. And now, your host, Life and Weight-Loss Coach Martha Ayim.

Welcome to Episode 55 of The Done Bingeing Podcast. The last episode explored why it’s so crucial to put you at the top of your to-do list. We talked about saying no to others so you can say yes to you.

When you do this, others may not be so thrilled. They might be used to you dropping everything the moment they ask for you. If you’ve lived as if your needs weren’t as important as anyone else’s, you may have trained others to expect instant access to you. It may take time for them to adjust, and that’s okay. It may take time for you to adjust too.

Many of my clients experience an initial sense of fear and shame at the thought of deferring other people’s wants and needs so that they can take care of their own.

But ultimately, here’s where some of my clients have drawn the line:

If they couldn’t get their run in and attend their daughter’s track meet, they missed the track meet.

If they didn’t have time to bake a casserole to take in their lunches and bake for their son’s Scouts night, they baked only the casserole.

If they couldn’t fit in a little fun for themselves and make their partner’s staff party, they missed the staff party.

This may seem extreme, but putting yourself first is a foundational piece of ending binge eating. And what my clients find is that, almost always, they can do both—but only if they put themselves first.

Here’s the thing. There will almost always be someone or something vying for your time, energy, and attention. But even with a full schedule and commitments to others and your job, you still need you. And taking care of you isn’t selfish.

One of my coaches, the brilliant Allie Irwin, reminded me of this: You can only be as giving to others as you are to yourself. Believing that you’re not worth enough to give to yourself sets an upper limit to what you can give to others.

Taking care of yourself is like taking a powerful vitamin for your ability to be a parent, be a partner, be a friend, be a colleague, and do your life’s work in the world.

This is especially important when younger kids are involved. They are so attuned to your well-being because their life literally depends on it. So when they think something’s wrong with you, the heartbreaking part is that they often assume that something’s wrong with them.

So, I’m going to say it again, taking care of yourself is a profound way to take care of others.

We’re tempted to live as if everyone else needs to be happy, and that that happiness depends on us.

But life isn’t always happy, happy, happy. And it doesn’t need to be. Not for you and not for anyone else. My teacher Brooke Castillo says to “expect life to be about 50/50—that’s 50% amazing and 50% ass” . . . and, yes, that’s a direct quote.

It’s not your job to make anyone else happy, in part because it can’t be done. Their emotions don’t depend on what you do. Their emotions depend on what they think.

For example, you could skip your spinning class to watch reruns of Ice Road Truckers with your partner because you’re sure that will make him happy.

Maybe you imagine Eddie will think, “Aw, I can tell she’s not really interested in this mind-blowing escapade into the Arctic, but she’s still here by my side.” And that thought might make him feel happy.

But Eddie could also think, “I can tell she’s not really interested in this breathtaking episode, so I don’t know why she’s here.” And that thought might make him feel mistrustful.

Eddie could think, “I can tell she’s not really interested in this astounding act of bravery; I wish she’d grow up and get a mind of her own.” And that thought might make him feel angry.

Do you see what I mean? If Eddie’s happy, it’s not because of what you did. It’s because of what he thinks about what you did.

Likewise, your emotions don’t depend on what others do, they depend on what you think.

When you nail this piece, and give others permission to create and feel their feelings and you empower yourself to do the same, you’ll have struck gold. This is the place where you let others do their work. And you give yourself the space to do the same.

Of course, some sacrifices are necessary to give to your family, your job, and others in your life. But it’s never noble to martyr yourself for anyone without perspective, purpose, and precision.

This might sound harsh. But here’s the thing. You might believe you’re doing the right thing by sacrificing your dreams, goals, and needs for the sake of your family, friends, and job. But the sacrifice is less impressive if it obviously takes a toll on you, the giver, and if you feel like a victim who has no choice.

You’ve heard me refer to the work of psychologist Jordan Peterson in several earlier episodes. Peterson often warns about the victim-turned-perpetrator.

You might feel good in the moment, with an angelic glow about you. But here’s what happens when you book a free session with me.

You tell me you’re so fed up with being the mom-taxi. You’d like to drop Tabatha’s twinkling tutu down the garburator, then stick Sammy’s stinking hockey gear when the sun don’t shine.

You tell me you so done with getting dinner ready for five o’clock that you’d rather stab your husband in the thigh with a steak knife.

You tell me you couldn’t give a flying fuck about your boss’s daughters Girl Guide cookie drive, but you bought two boxes anyway, and ate mouthfuls of mint chocolatey malice all the way home.

And then you tell me how you really feel.

Suddenly that heavenly glow is turning a bit satanic.

How do I know?

I was a fuming saint too, the halo above my head constantly shrouded by the smoke smoldering from my ears.

Again and again people come to me bingeing and they are bitter and angry, resentful, and sometimes hateful. And they feel as if they have no choice.

At first blush, it looks like you’re happy to give up all your wants and needs and throw yourself into your family, job, and relationships with no regard for yourself.

But, at second blush, you’re bingeing, and you are for sure not so happy.

You’re not happy because you’re off-center, off-balance.

Finding balance is an option, but self-sacrifice won’t get you there. You’ll get there by loving your family, supporting your friends, and working with integrity from a place of self-care.

One of the many insights I learned from my teacher, Brooke, was that when you handle everyone else’s challenges before your own, you procrastinate the work of your own life. And you help other people put off their own work too.

So . . . maybe it’s time to stop putting off your work. This is where coaching is a game changer.

A coach is not a friend.

A coach is not a mom.

A coach will call bullshit on your halo and ask you what you really want and what you really need. And she will not stand idly by if you don’t go and get it.

If you’re feeling like it’s enough already, get a coach and get it done. For you first, and then for everyone else after.

That’s it for Episode 55. Thank you for listening! If you’re ready to apply the concepts that I teach in this podcast at a deeper level, get on the waitlist for the next Done Bingeing group experience. Go to https://www.holdingthespace.co/group-programs/ and sign up for updates.

Thanks for listening to The Done Bingeing Podcast. Martha is a certified life and weight loss coach who’s available to help you stop bingeing. Book a free session with her at www.holdingthespace.co/book. And stay tuned for next week’s episode on freeing yourself from binge eating and creating the life you want.