Why might it be worth it to place a bet on six steps? Keep listening!

Welcome to The Done Bingeing Podcast. This is the place to hear about how you can pair the emerging brain science about why you binge with powerful life coaching to help you stop. If you want to explore an evidence-based, non-clinical approach to end binge eating, you’re in the right place.

It’s time to free yourself. You have more power than you know. To find out more, go to www.holdingthespace.co and click Programs.

And now, your host, Internal-Family-Systems-Level-3-Trained and Master-Coach-Certified Martha Ayim.

Last week, we continued our discussion about key number 12 to end binge eating—find the power in you, which was an exploration of why the powerful leader in you can sometimes seem unavailable. We likened it to Air Force One—the US Air Force aircraft flying the president to safety.

This week, we’re on to part iii of key number 12, bringing the leader back home.

After the president is flown away, the military is the face of leadership that we see.

But, if you look closely enough, through every man and woman in uniform you will always find a link to the leader. To get to the leader, though, you must trace back the chain of command, the links of relationships stringing back to the president. The leader is always there, just hidden somewhere.

The military won’t stand down from the front lines until it’s safe for the leader to effectively protect the nation it now defends.

Likewise, one of your protectors (including a binge eating protector) won’t stand down from seemingly running you until it’s safe for you lead again and to protect what it now defends.

To get to your leader within, you need to understand your protectors and their chain of command back to you.

We began to do this in Episode 58: Befriend Your Enemies. That was key number 11 to end binge eating.

Do you remember?

We began by turning inside and taking six main steps:

In step 1, FIND the part, we asked whether there is a part that seems to want your attention right now or that you would like to focus on.

If so, where do you notice it in and/or around your body?

This part is often called the “target part.”

In step 2, FOCUS on the part, the invitation was to turn your attention to the part and see what you notice.

In step 3, FLESH out the part, we asked whether you have an image of the part. It’s fine if you don’t. If you do, what does it look like?

What are this part’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviours?

Are there other ways that you experience this part? If so, what are they?

Do you have a sense of your proximity to the part? If so, how close to or far away from it are you?

In step 4, we asked how you FEEL toward the part. This is the key question, because it will give you an idea of whether your Self is present—in other words, your Self-energy, your core sense of wisdom and agency.

You’ll recognize whether your Self-energy is present if you’re able to respond to the part from a place of curiosity, compassion, or courage.

You may notice you can’t regard the part in this way, and that’s okay. It just means that there’s another part reacting to the part you’re trying to get to know.

See if the reactive part will step back and give you space to continue to get to know the target part. It will be more likely to do so if you can understand and validate the reason it reacted.

If the reactive part won’t step back, become curious about it and begin again with step 1; for now, the reactive part becomes the new target part.

In step 5, BeFRIEND the part, once you’re able to access Self-energy toward a part (in step 4), the invitation was to befriend it and see if it’s willing to share more about itself. This helps to cultivate the Self-to-part relationship.

For example, you might ask some of these questions:

• How old is this part?
• How old does the part think you are?
• What role does this part play in your system?
• How did it come by this role? In other words, how did this part get its job?
• Is this role effectively helping your system? (No judgment here, just compassionate curiosity.)
• Does this part like its role?
• Is the part tired of being in this role?
• If this part didn’t feel it had to do this job, is there something else it would rather do?

In step 6, understand the part’s FEAR, we asked:

• What is this part afraid would happen if it stopped doing its job?
• What does this part really want for you? In other words, what has it been trying to help you get?

These six steps are what Dr Richard Schwartz calls the six Fs of befriending protectors.

1. FIND the part
2. FOCUS on the part
3. FLESH out the part
4. Ask how you FEEL toward the part
5. BeFRIEND the part
6. Understand the part’s FEAR

Where are these steps going?

They’re going up. Up to the sky.

Why?

Well, do you ever doubt there’s a sun on a cloudy day?

Me neither.

When clouds shroud around, it sure doesn’t seem sunny, but the sun’s up there alright.

It’s waiting to shine through when the clouds finally drift aside.

The clouds aren’t bad and the sun isn’t good. They all just belong to a system.

Your parts aren’t bad and your Self isn’t good. They all just belong to a system.

You may not be able to lift billows, but you can shift your parts.

When your bingeing part is present, it can feel like there’s nothing else to you. But there is alright. There’s you, always you, brilliant, ready to radiate through when the bingeing part trusts enough to drift to the side.

The six Fs of befriending protectors is Dr Schwartz’s process of earning the trust of parts.

And then what?

Then, you offer a protector hope.

The hope that it doesn’t have to keep doing its job.

The hope that it can rest.

The hope that it can have a job it actually likes.

The hope that it can have a job that actually works.

The hope that it can have a job that doesn’t hurt.

The hope that it’s not alone.

The hope that there is someone else there who can help.

And there is someone else there.

There is you.

Up there in the sky.

And when you’re down and out in binging, it may well be worth taking six steps up to hope.

That’s it for Episode 61. Thank you for listening! If you’re done with the false promises of January diets, then join me in The Soulfull Academy, the new name for the formerly called Done Bingeing Membership. Go to www.holdingthespace.co/join to learn more.

Thanks for listening to The Done Bingeing Podcast.

Martha has the highest-level training in both the evidence-based Internal Family Systems approach and in life coaching, and she’s available to help you stop bingeing. You can learn more about her programs by going to www.holdingthespace.co and clicking Programs.

Stay tuned for the next episode on freeing yourself from binge eating and creating the life you want.