Beyond measure

Many times on my road to healing, I came so close to ending the pattern. I’d go weeks or months―years even―without bingeing. Then a terrifying possibility would stir inside me.

I might be okay.

And I’d swallow that down with all the food I could stuff in.

It sounds silly. Yet, there it was. Again and again. Until I was willing to take responsibility for being okay as I was and for letting others be okay as they were.

I had done tremendous work on my eating over the decades with cognitive therapists and naturopathic doctors in particular. But this last piece didn’t resolve until I began to fully open to the work of letting go and moving beyond the bingeing.

We think we want to be free from binge eating.

But do we really?

When freedom peeks over the horizon, it can be terrifying. Bingeing can offer a sense of identity. If we begin to shed this identity, what, if anything, will replace it? What else is there? Who are we if not defined by our bingeing?

It can help to begin our journey with, as Stephen Covey said, the end in mind. The question becomes, “Who would I be without this problem, and what do I want to create with my life?”

As you ponder your answer, recall the well-known passage:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be?

― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love (1992)

Once we have uncovered the thoughts that created a tormenting array of feelings, actions, and results, it is not the end of the path but rather the beginning of a whole new journey of contributing to the world in ways we never could have imagined.

Strange as it may seem, we can be perplexed at the new horizon of life without an obsession. For some, peace and happiness is an awkward experience. They may seem unnatural, and can be as difficult to experience for some as anger and sadness. It takes time to get used to claiming our strength, power and joy. The pattern of binge eating may have kept us powerless and allowed us to hide from the magnitude of our calling. Perhaps our own inner beauty frightened us. If we could have embraced it, perhaps we wouldn’t have needed to smother our energy with food. Could we have been using our pattern of binge eating to avoid the responsibility of our own excellence? These are tough, but powerful, questions.

Once we learn how to respond to urges to binge, once the binges subside, once we discover how to eat joyfully and healthily, we come to see how much of our life energy was consumed by a conflicted relationship with food. Many now enjoy dedicating more conscious energy to healthy cooking and appreciation of food, but that still leaves a lot of freed-up energy that used be consumed by bingeing.

We are now more self-sufficient. We see now that it is a choice to fall into the role of a victim or child in response to food. At the beginning, such a statement might seem insensitive, possibly insulting. We see that we are responsible for our thoughts and feelings and for the results that we create in our lives. We can no longer claim to be held for ransom by our circumstances. We are now more respectful of what we do not know and have greater humility and understanding toward ourselves and others. We no longer have to beat-up on ourselves or the world when we feel bad. We’ve grown up, and now we assume our role as a high functioning adult in all areas of our lives.

Who would you be without your pattern of binge eating? Please feel free to email me your reflections.

Would you like someone by your side on your path to recovering from binge eating? Book me for a free mini-session, and let’s explore what lies ahead.