Setting a new table
Blog This time of year, Ramadan, Passover, and Easter are celebrations that honor what we believe, who we are, and who we love. There are open hearts and open homes. Whether it’s sharing a tradition, a meal, or a hunt, there are many opportunities to nourish ourselves and our relationships. The promise of renewal is everywhere. And so is food. It...
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Making it out
In the United States alone, it is estimated that 2.8 million people are affected by binge eating. • 3.5% of women and 2.0% of men will develop binge eating disorder in their lifetime. • A whopping 30% of people who seek the support of weight loss programs are likely to experience binge eating symptoms. Despite the promise of cognitive therapy as first-line treatment for binge eating, leading researchers remain puzzled over why so many people don’t make it out of the living hell of bingeing eating. I made it out...
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What Sam saw
Like many of my clients, I started bingeing when I was young. Bingeing helped me connect around food to those I loved. It also helped me to cope with losses that came too early for me to understand and stayed long after I did. And, I’m not alone. For many, bingeing has served a purpose in the past. Sam used food to help him study into the night. Candy kept him up far past the call of sleep. And now...
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A delicate tangle
Have there ever been stretches of time when you weren’t binge eating? Maybe weeks. Maybe months. Even years. Perhaps you found yourself counting each binge-free day. Every night, as your head hit the pillow, exhaling in exhausted relief at having held it together one more time. So often we hear, “the more time that goes by—the more days you can mark—the easier it will become to leave bingeing behind.” But sometimes, even as the days add up, it still feels just as hard...
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An invitation
Maybe you’re scared. Perhaps a presentation dawns on the horizon. In front of actual people. Barf. More-than-the-usual-number of bathroom breaks. (Or is that just me?) If you’ve ever felt a twisted knot of fear in your gut too, maybe you’ve tried to suppress it, squash it, ignore it somehow...
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Her name is Brooke Castillo
I was starting to think Brooke didn't love me. Turns out, Brooke was starting to think I didn't love her. And that made me want to laugh. And, then, that made me want to cry. How absurd, I thought. And, then, I thought, how sad...
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Tina Turner hair
The salons are closed in my city, the stylists have all gone home. And my son jokes that I have Tina Turner hair. He's a beautiful boy and he does not know how much she means to me, how much he means to me. How could he? There are missionaries whose positions were not taken because they were not enough. But, I hear, they shouldn't take it personally...
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The frozen trees are gone
The frozen trees Are gone But weren't they Pretty? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The ice dripped Then stopped For a picture ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ And now? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ And now, there is no movement ...
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Saving the king
On one of my first days of isolation, my son offers to teach me how to play chess. (Hey, no judging. So I don't know how to play. That's okay, right?) I'm leery of his offer due to many previous experiences of him "teaching" me how to play other games, where the rules seem to constantly slide in his favor and I never, ever win. But I say, "Okay," and he lays out the pieces . . .
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The edge of the cloud
As we watch change unfold around us in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, it can be hard to make room for it all. Maybe parts of you feel afraid, uncertain, angry, confused, suspicious, helpless, powerless, or obsessive. Maybe other parts of you react by downplaying your worries, assuring you that everything’s really okay, inviting you to stay logical, or directing your gaze to the edge of the cloud—the silver lining gleaming. My guess is that these reactions bring respite to the challenging emotions you may be feeling ...
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The light slants differently
My private clients get 24/7 electronic access to me. Their messages are the first place I go when I'm not teaching or coaching. What they message me depends on what they want to work on. Some want to notice urges. Some want to plan meals. Some want to honor hunger. Some want to sense fullness. Some want to grieve losses. We tailor everything to where they are, to what they need. Andrew writes at night. His wife left and evenings are the hardest. When the light wanes, the past seems eerily fake and the ache feels awfully real. Andrew is learning to binge less on pancakes and he is finding a new softness in sentences. Andrew used to try to fill what felt empty. Now he tries to capture what feels lost, on his own terms, in his own words . . .
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It’s already within you
2020 is upon us. The year of vision, someone foretold. The year of clarity, someone shared. The year of the rat, someone said. (That was at a party where everyone had a different idea, sense, dream of what lay ahead.) What do you see on the dawning horizon of a decade that longs to be lived?
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The drunk beneath the tree
Driving past what was once was my grandparents' farm, it's easy to miss a thatch of trees that stands just too together, just too neat, all at the same height, not far from the edge of the shoulder of the road...
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The measure of a win
This is my niece, Miranda. She's played for Canada's National and Olympic basketball teams for years. My 10-year-old son and I recently returned from Edmonton, Alberta, where a qualifying tournament for the Tokyo Olympics was held. We sit behind Miranda on the bench and scream our hearts out for her and the team on the court. Every time she makes a shot, my son re-enacts it in the stands (for any spectators who may have missed it, lol). By the end of the game, most have moved away from me. I've never met anyone who can scream or whistle louder than me.
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The diamond at the edge
When my clients first come to me, many believe that they ARE binge eaters. Period. End of story. But that is never the end of the story. The bingeing is just a part of who they are. It only FEELS like it's all of who they are. Remember, just because we feel something to be true doesn't mean that it actually IS true. The part that binges is just a part of us, but it looks like it's all of us when it eclipses us. And when we feel eclipsed—taken over—by the part of us that binges, it can seem like there's nothing more, nothing behind, nothing underneath. But there is always something more, behind, underneath . . .
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The day I met Nicole
I had the honour to meet in person for the first time one of the many clients I've had the privilege of working with. Here is the photo and part of what @nicoleterwey posted on IG: "Have you ever felt so grateful for someone that you couldn’t find the words to thank them?...
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This is me, Martha
This is me, Martha. I'm a Master Coach. Many new clients tell me that, for years, they were too afraid and too ashamed to talk to anyone about their bingeing. And I get it. I never wanted anyone to know about my bingeing, either—oh, except for Mandy.
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The power of a question
Asking powerful questions is a game changer. Ask a question that fills you with shame, and you'll get lots of that. Ask a question that fills you with curiosity, and you'll get plenty of that. Shame vs. curiosity. Which emotion is more likely to lead to bingeing?
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The silence in the song
The background in a painting is as important as the foreground in a painting. Why? Because it holds the space for the dimension to come through. The silence in a song is as important as the sound in a song. Why? Because it holds the space for the music to come through.
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You are the best gift
Soooooooo, unlike Gemma, whom you'll well remember, because y'all seem to have loved how she cussed me out real good (thanks, by the way), meet Emily. While Gemma said this, "I can't believe I was dumb enough to sign up for your stupid program“ ... Emily said this, "Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are the best and most valuable gift I’ve ever given myself.” Don't worry. I don't pick favorites amongst my clients, even though some give me a MUCH harder time than others (ahem, not mentioning any names). I love them both, and I love them all—every single one of my clients.
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I now trust myself again
One of my members is leaving The Done Bingeing Membership this month. Here is what she said: I joined in December 2018 with real trepidation - anxiety, fear, embarrassment, shame, hopelessness & all the horrible feelings I’d carried for so long around my eating. But something nudged me forward. The glimmer of hope must have still been there somewhere. I have been nervous & felt so vulnerable before getting coaching every single time. And you have been so gentle & encouraging & helped me see that I’m ok & it’s going to be ok. And told it as I needed to hear it those times too!
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Why am I bingeing?
"Why . . . ?" So many of my first calls with clients begin with these questions: "Why am I binge eating?" "Why can't I stop?" "Why aren't I smart enough to figure this out? I'm so freakin' successful in the rest of my life!" "Why is there this ONE thing that I can't master?" "Why do I eat a whole cake when I know a piece would suffice? It's not like it's rocket science, you know?" Yes. I do know. I asked these questions, too, for nearly 35 years. There are several schools of thought on the answer. Here's one...
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The power of one degree
My grandparents used to live on a farm Northern Ontario. I used to love to drive on the backroads. I’d drive and drive on a dirt road on a sunny day. With light like that I should have been able to see far, far away. But with the grit in the mist, I could barely see at all. Much of the grit was spray by my own making, when I’d rev too hard, spin my wheels, and etch a groove in the gravel.
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An unimaginable adventure
What if your journey to end bingeing was a delightful adventure, on which you felt excited, expansive, hopeful, courageous, and free? If you’re bingeing or overeating right now, you’re probably skeptical. So was Jenny. But she joined the Done Bingeing Membership in December anyway. Here’s what she says...
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Why giving up seems easier
You get better at what you practice. When you practice giving up, you get better at giving up. When you practice getting up, you get better at getting up. Giving up is a skill. Getting up is a skill. Which one do you want?
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Freedom did come
Maybe you were taught that you hurt other people’s feelings and that other people hurt yours. You hurt your mother-in-law’s feelings by not eating ALL of the hefty slab of lasagna she slammed onto your plate. Or ... Jackie’s quip that you “must be on another wacky diet” because you’re not eating dessert hurt your feelings. If you believe these things, you probably try to act in ways that don’t piss off mom-in-law or that don’t result in a stinging heart.
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Decide what you want to believe
Throughout our lives, we are taught many things by our parents, teachers, society. As adults, though, sometimes we forget that we have the discretion to differentiate between what we were TAUGHT to believe and what we WANT to believe.
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Who are you?
Who are you? What are you capable of? To answer those questions, I’m guessing that you’re going to look to your past. Why? Because you want to scan for evidence of what you’ve accomplished in the past. And what’s the problem with that? The past may not have the answer. We’re so programmed to envision our future based on our past. But the past can’t tell you everything that you’re capable of because the future is unknown.
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Take your own path
Our primitive animal brain wants us to survive this moment. Period. And it takes this role very seriously. It probably sounds like this: • “Let's eat all the food we can—who knows when we’ll be able to eat again.” • “This heartache hurts so badly. Let’s eat to make it go away.” • “Everyone else is eating. Let’s eat too so we look normal.” Here’s the good news: We’re still alive in this moment. Here’s the bad news: We’ve got no plan for the next one.
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Beyond measure
Many times on my road to healing, I came so close to ending the pattern. I’d go weeks or months―years even―without bingeing. Then a terrifying possibility would stir inside me. I might be okay. And I’d swallow that down with all the food I could stuff in. It sounds silly. Yet, there it was. Again and again. Until I was willing to take responsibility for being okay as I was and for letting others be okay as they were...
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A strange gift
What is involved in the journey to ending your struggle with binge eating? Healing will involve: slowing down developing conscious attention skills finding a strong inner adult nurturing love and compassion turning toward oneself instead of turning away learning to face, explore and witness difficult inner feelings walking into fear with a compassionate heart cultivating gratitude letting go. Our problem has led us...
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A certain urgency
At its heart, the work of healing from binge eating involves two key processes: letting go of a habit we no longer need and finding out who we are without it. It’s not always easy work, but increasing awareness of how our mind influences both aspects of this journey can make it much more effective and fun. There’s a certain urgency in this work. It can be accomplished only when led by a firm, fiercely...
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Holding the space
When I first starting working with my life coach, I already loved her. That—it turned out—was a good thing. I’d worked with Suzy in the same organization for 10 years. As her colleague, I knew that she was brilliant, strong, and had impeccable integrity. After being laid off, Suzy became a life coach. (By the way, if you’ve ever found yourself “invited” to that meeting, Suzy’s the one to help you through it...
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The binge as barometer
Every instant presents an opportunity to respond or react, to heal or spin. As we build our awareness, especially of our thoughts and feelings and the connections between them, we’ll begin to see how we maintain our limited perspectives. We hold a space for ourselves to help us uncover how our minds work, to experience our feelings, and to observe our actions with greater clarity. We take an interest in our...
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Taking notice
Binge eating is an attempt to momentarily soothe ourselves. Soothing behavior can be seen as our best compassionate attempt to take of ourselves, using the tools we know. But is also a way to avoid facing ourselves. Basically, we soothe to go unconscious. We thrive by becoming conscious. We become conscious by taking notice. Have you noticed how the cycle of eating continues as if of its own accord? How many times...
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Active versus passive thinking
On the one hand, we can apply our faculty of thought to situations in life. Deciphering a pattern. Figuring out the kids’ summer camp schedule. Determining the fastest way to stop an overflowing toilet. Considering what brand of toothpaste to buy. Looking for where to get the best value for groceries. Searching for insight into our behaviours. Deciding whether to date that fellow who seemed to be pretty aloof and...
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Staying the course
When we eat in response to physical, as opposed to emotional, hunger, we can expect all the feelings that we have been avoiding to surface. This is a beautiful opportunity, though not easy. But we can learn to make room for the negative emotions. And as we learn to stay with our emotions, it will get easier. As most meditation teachers will say, our healing is just outside of what we think we can bear. And the...
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Risking emptiness
To rediscover a nourishing fullness requires the ability to first be empty. In other words, we need to risk hunger. But with a history of binge eating, hunger may be something that we don’t let ourselves experience often. It feels uncomfortable, sometimes even terrifying. It’s important to distinguish between hunger and deprivation. Deprivation in one form or another is associated with most dieting approaches. It’s...
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Risking fullness
Once you are able to wait for hunger, you can choose how you want to eat in response to hunger. Bingeing is a mechanical and unconscious reaction. Eating to fuel your body is a deliberate and conscious response. But even eating in an effort to give your body nutritious food is unhelpful if you don’t let yourself get hungry first. This aspect of healing from bingeing is about bringing conscious awareness to your...
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