What do Pluto and a citadel have to do with you and binge eating? Keep listening!

Welcome to The Done Bingeing Podcast. This is the place to hear about how you can pair the emerging brain science about why you binge with powerful life coaching to help you stop. If you want to explore an evidence-based, non-clinical approach to end binge eating, you’re in the right place.

It’s time to free yourself. You have more power than you know. To find out more, go to www.holdingthespace.co and click Programs.

And now, your host, Internal-Family-Systems-Level-3-Trained and Master-Coach-Certified Martha Ayim.

The last episode continued our conversation about key number 12 to end binge eating—find the power in you. We talked about why it’s so important to find that powerful leader inside.

In episode 63, we’re going to bring home this 12-key special series by talking about how it feels to have the leader back home.

I’ve been inviting you to consider that healing from binge eating becomes much more possible when we’re willing to get to know the part of us that binges.

In his book, No Bad Parts, Richard Schwartz invites us to think of what begins to shift the moment you do this.

The act of identifying a part that you intend to place your attention on requires a degree of differentiation.

Why?

Because there immediately became a you who was identifying the part you identified.

The distinction between the two becomes marked when you go beyond identifying the part to focusing on that part and noticing things about it.

And the distinction becomes even more clear when you’re able to feel more and more curious toward it.

This is because, in time, the bingeing part responds to your genuine curiosity by softening back. And in that softening, the space is opened for your Self-energy, the powerful leader within, to come forward.

To feel what this Self-energy or Self-leadership is like, let’s practice.

When we’re in the throes of an active episode of binge eating, we can feel completely taken over by the drive to binge—almost like that’s all there is, that’s all we are.

But that’s not all there is. That’s not all we are.

If you can pause during the binge long enough to turn your attention toward the part of you that’s bingeing, you’ll notice something more.

Even if you don’t feel like bingeing right now, you can still do this exercise by turning inside and asking to get to know the part of you that binges.

When you focus your awareness on the part of you that binges:

• What emotions do you feel? Sometimes I’d feel desperate, sometimes excited. My clients share that they sometimes feel sad, longing, relief, or rage. What is it for you?
• What sensations do you notice in your body? I would notice a pool quickly rising in my mouth and a cavernous sensation in my belly, even if it was already filled with food. One of my clients felt a tingling in her knees and toes. What is it for you?
• What sensations do you notice around your body? I used to feel a magnetic pull, almost as if being drawn by a UFO—except toward pancakes, not Pluto. Some of my clients report feeling a high and fast energy that extends beyond their body and into the space around it. What is it for you?
• Do you notice an image? I didn’t tend to have images of my bingeing part, but some of my clients see images of younger versions of themselves or of animals or characters. What is it for you?
• What beliefs or thoughts do you hear? My bingeing part would scream that we needed the food, that there was way too much pain. My clients say that they were implored to binge to get through all the work, to get a break after all the work, or because it was the single thing that brought them joy. What is it for you?

You may have noticed all of these aspects or some of them. Both are fine.

As you take this all in—the emotions, sensations, images, and beliefs of your bingeing part, and not solely it’s action of bingeing—how do you feel toward it?

If you feel hatred toward it, or anger, frustration, fear, or anything other than an open-heartedness, that’s okay. That would be other parts blending with you and feeling like they are you. You’re noticing how they feel toward your bingeing part.

If it makes sense to you that hatred, anger, frustration, fear, or another emotion might be there, let those parts know that you get it.

And invite them to ponder this: if they would give you the space to try to get to know the bingeing part so that you could help it, they would have less to feel hate, anger, frustration, fear, etc., about. In other words, it would help them too.

If they won’t give you space, that’s alright. It just means they need your attention right now. So if it feels right for you, begin this exercise again, except with this new part as the one you’re focusing on.

Once you’re able to access genuine curiosity toward whichever part you decide to try to get to know, ask the part if there’s anything it wants you to know about it. For example, what has it been like for this part to have its role of making you binge or another job the part you’re focusing on may have in your system.

Many parts feel lonely, as they’ve been criticized by other parts in the system, and sometimes by practitioners too.

Many parts feel tired, as they’ve often had their job for a long time.

Many parts feel overwhelmed, as they’ve been stuck with a job they never asked for and often at a young age. You may even sense that the part is quite young—you can ask it for its age if you’re not sure. Just listen for the answer.

If what this part is experiencing were being experienced by the person or thing you loved most in the world, how would you respond? See if you can respond that way with this part of yourself.

You can ask the part if there is anything it needs. And you can offer things you think it needs.

In my work with clients, we’ve met soldiers who stood at the foot of a citadel, scanning for danger from every direction, from any person, who might be a threat. We offered chairs and clean clothes to the beleaguered warriors, who fell into softness for the first time in years.

Let yourself be creative as you ponder how to help the parts you meet.

And you can share who you are with the part too.

Remember that our parts often don’t know who we are. What they know is the parts of us they’ve met—some of whom they don’t get along with.

Parts often think we’re still kids and can be shocked to learn our real age—I know mine were. One of my parts even made a crack about my gray hair. I know, right?

But my part was also surprised to learn about all the ways I’d grown up, the resources and resilience I had now that I didn’t have before, the independence and interdependence I had now that I didn’t have before, and the ways in which some previous stressors in my life just weren’t there anymore.

You can update your part in this way too and let it know that you’re there with it now, that it’s not alone anymore.
If you have an image of your part, you can ask if it would be willing to turn toward you. If it will, ask it what it sees. What does it notice from your facial expression, from your body language? You can ask if it’s okay to get closer in a way that feels right for it.

And, listen, sometimes parts may be pissed or leery at first, and that makes sense if they’ve felt alone and abandoned for ages.

One of my parts once screamed, “Who the fuck are you?”

When I reassured it that I was an older version of it, who cared and wanted to help, it took that in. Then followed with, “Well, where the fuck’ve you been?”

I let my part know that it made sense that it was angry and confused about my delayed arrival because it did make sense. It had been alone and hurting for a long time—decades later there I was striding in out of the blue. I said I felt so sorry about what it had had to deal with on its own and about not being able to get there sooner. I also said I hoped it might be willing to give me a chance at some point. And it did.

It’s always our job to earn a part’s trust—it’s not its job to trust us.

Some parts may have wanted and needed our presence so desperately that they overwhelm us with emotion or in other ways when we arrive. When this happens, I imagine what we’d do if a young child clung to us so tightly that we couldn’t breathe or screamed so loud that we couldn’t hear.

What do we do?

We’d say something like this, “Honey, I really want to be here for you, but I can’t breathe when you squeeze me that tight. And when you scream that loud, it hurts my ears and can’t really hear you. I’m still going to be here but I need you to let go just a little bit and talk a little bit softer so I can really be with you.”

When they ease their grip, we have so much more capacity to be with them.

The same happens with parts, so you can also ask parts not to completely overwhelm you or take you over so that you can have the space to be with them.

See how your part responds to all the creative and compassionate ways you offer your presence.

Stay here as long as you need to, fostering the connection.

You can ask the part you’ve been focusing on, and other parts you may have noticed too, if they would be willing to relax back even more, so that that much more of you is available to be with them.

By this point, you may have sensed a shift in your energy in your body, mind, and heart.

You may feel more grounded and embodied, more spacious and open, more compassionate and connected. You may feel calmer and clearer. You may feel an energy running through your body.

Try to get a sense of what being in Self-energy feels like for you. When you know what Self-energy feels like, you’ll be able to notice what the absence of it feels like too, and what it feels like as parts start to blend with you. This is so powerful because then you can try to help those parts earlier, before they get to the point of completely taking you over.

If you weren’t able to experience Self energy just now, that’s okay. It just means that your parts need more time to get to know you and truly trust that it’s okay for them to let you in.

The Self energy that becomes available when your parts trust you will deepen and expand the more you and your parts get to know one another.

Living life more from this space of Self energy, this place of openness, calm, and clarity, makes decisions about food, people, work, activity—everything—very different than making these decisions from parts energy.
That is why finding the power in you is a complete game changer.

That’s it for Episode 62. Thank you for listening! I rarely have space for new private clients, but a few spots have recently opened up. If you’re ready to explore this profound work together, you can apply to work with me by going to www.holdingthespace.co/apply. I’m bringing back 24/7 access to me.

Thanks for listening to The Done Bingeing Podcast.

Martha has the highest-level training in both the evidence-based Internal Family Systems approach and in life coaching, and she’s available to help you stop bingeing. You can learn more about her programs by going to www.holdingthespace.co and clicking Programs.

Stay tuned for the next episode on freeing yourself from binge eating and creating the life you want.