What do a roadblock and kid’s school trip have to do with you and binge eating? Keep listening!

Welcome to The Done Bingeing Podcast. This is the place to hear about how you can pair the emerging
brain science about why you binge with powerful life coaching to help you stop. If you want to explore an
evidence-based, non-clinical approach to end binge eating, you’re in the right place.

It’s time to free yourself. You have more power than you know. To find out more, go to
www.holdingthespace.co and click Programs.

And now, your host, Internal-Family-Systems-Level-3-Trained and Master-Coach-Certified Martha Ayim.

Hello friends! Welcome back!

Episode 63 wrapped up the special series on 12 Keys to End Binge Eating. It was 29 episodes strong!
That’s right, 29 episodes! I don’t hold back on this podcast, and that’s why you never want to miss an
episode!

And, just so you know, my colleagues kinda give me a hard time about my podcast. One said, “Seriously,
Martha, do you really need 10 episodes to cover unlearning the desire to overeat?”

Fine, I admit it, I can get a slightly obsessed, but I love traversing the depth and breadth of binge eating,
looking under the rocks, exploring in the corners. Sometimes we find the most revealing things!

Before the special series, we’d been talking about food and other people, the rules we have for how
people should be around food in our presence, and boundaries we may want to set in this area.

Episode 29 focused on staying in our power no matter what other people do with food around us. You
might think that your partner shouldn’t have brought home Krispy Kreme, or your colleague should think
twice before ordering in a crate of muffins for the office, or your neighbor could be a little more
thoughtful about sending over cute little Chloe to sell chocolate bars for a desperately desired school trip.
But in episode 29, we began to discuss the drawbacks to having rules for others around your eating, your
food, and your weight, and I offered you another perspective on navigating the actions of other people in
your life.

Episode 30 dug deeper into what it really means for us (and others!) when we have rules about how
other people should behave around us, in regard to eating. Right now, for example, you might be asking
others to police the way you eat. That might seem like a great idea, but it often leads to frustration and
resentment for all involved. Others feel manipulated and you feel let down. Episode 30 looked at what it
might be like to let the rules we have for others go.

Episode 31 explored how to get out of the habit of writing rulebooks for how others should behave in
regards to what we eat and what we weigh, and we talked about the 10 steps you need to take to let go
of your rulebooks and find more freedom than you’d ever expected!

Episode 32 was a loving reminder that although it’s empowering to take responsibility for how you feel
and what you do, regardless of other people’s behavior, that doesn’t mean that you need to stay in
relationships—or that you tolerate relationship dynamics—that harm you. This episode focused on why
it’s sometimes necessary to set boundaries with other people.

Episode 33 reviewed how violations to personal and emotional boundaries are events that can jeopardize
your safety or well-being. Not having any boundaries is probably going to start feeling a little trampled . . .
kind of like a doormat. Having boundaries everywhere is probably going to start feeling a little
claustrophobic . . . kind of like being enclosed in a fence, bordered by a wall, encircled by a partition,
surrounded by a barrier, bounded by a roadblock—you get the idea! Episode 33 talked about how
keeping both ends of the spectrum in mind can help you find a boundary feels right for you along the
continuum.

And episode 34, where we left off talking about food and other people before the special series 12 Keys
to End Binge Eating began, ventured further into the topic of boundaries. We explored whether you’re
setting your boundary from a place of peace and from regard for yourself and others, whether you’re
enforcing your boundary from a place of peace and from regard for yourself and others, and how to avoid
confusing a boundary with a rulebook. Evaluating boundaries in this way creates the possibility of moving
forward in relationships from a place of authenticity and love, while leaving behind the confines of
resistance and fear. Episode 34 talked about how relationships become more genuine and intimate when
we’re willing to do this work.

As we return to and wrap up the topic of food and other people in episode 64, I invite you to consider a
few things.

We’ve talked about how important it is to set boundaries from a place of love because we don’t usually
take action in the way we want to from emotions like rage, hate, and resentment.

Even though we can intellectually get how coming from love serves everyone involved, it can be tough to
get there. And even if we get there, it can still feel scary to share the boundary with another person.

Here’s what can be helpful in accessing an energy that allows us to set boundaries with compassion,
courage, and clarity.

If you’re trying to set a boundary and if this exercise feels right for you, take a moment to curiously turn
inside and ask, “Which parts of me aren’t ready to set a boundary from love?”

You might hear from a part that’s like, “Yo, dude, I’m not feeling the love.”

This is a beautiful opportunity to get to know this part of you because parts that get in the way of what
we want are the key to getting what we want. I’m going to say that again: parts that get in the way of
what we want are the key to getting what we want. Remember what Mary O’Malley shared, “What’s in
the way, is the way.”

The reason that sounds so counterintuitive is because we usually regard the parts that get in our way with
frustration, and sometimes hate. This is how we often regard the part of us that binges. But that only
keeps us locked in an internal conflict.

Does it make sense to you, that one part of you would be totally frustrated with another part of you that
was blocking what you wanted?

I bet it does, so let your frustrated part know that you understand where it’s coming from and let it know
this in a non-judgmental manner: For all its efforts to criticize and fight with the part that blocks your way,
it’s never worked. So would it be willing to give you a chance to try to understand and help that blocking
part so that it didn’t feel it had to do that anymore? If your frustrated part will let you do that, it will have
less to feel frustrated about.

When you negotiate the space to get to know the part that’s blocking your way—whether that’s your
bingeing part, or in the specific context of this episode . . . your part that doesn’t want you setting a
boundary from a place of love—share your curiosity with that part. Let it know you want to get to know
it.

And help it get to know you, the one who wants to understand their perspective.

Let it share why it feels what it feels and why it doesn’t think love is a such a good idea here.

Sometimes parts have been hurt by the other person. Remember you never have to force that part to
love the person you’re setting the boundary with. These parts are often young and have been holding
their hurt for some time.

If it feels okay for you, let this part share what its concern are. When it feels truly understood and not
judged, it will learn to trust you—your Self energy—to decide how to set boundaries with people.

At first parts don’t want to let you do that because they worry that you, the Self, only offer compassion
and tenderness and aren’t up to the task of setting boundaries.

This is why it’s really important for your parts to see that there’s more to your Self energy than that. Self
energy can be confident and courageous, too.

And Self energy has the clarity to discern when someone isn’t being respectful toward one of your parts.
The Self can discern something else too—that the other person is acting from parts of their own, which
are carrying their own pain.

Now, that doesn’t mean that makes their behavior okay. It just means that this perspective can offer the
space to notice that other people’s hurtful actions often come from their own hurt. This is where
judgment, resentment, and other emotions that feel heavy for us can ease toward compassion as we set
a clear boundary.

From this place of clarity, we can courageously and confidently set boundaries with others. And, let’s be
clear, compassion isn’t always soft. It can be forceful if it needs to be. Like this, “Hey—take your hand off
my ass, now.” That was pretty clear, but it doesn’t have to add, “before I stab your eyes out with my
keys.” You see what I’m saying?

Listening to your parts and gradually earning their trust that you can handle setting boundaries that keep
them safe, will help you access the Self energy and compassion that’s already available within you to set
powerful perimeters.

That’s it for Episode 64. Thank you for listening! If you’re ready to explore this profound work together
inside my low-cost membership, go to www.holdingthespace.co/join to learn more. It’s only $97 per
month—a fraction of what it costs to binge per month. And that’s only talking about the financial cost.
Making this investment now will not only save you money, it will also save you time, energy, and
everything else that’s part of the all-consuming binge eating living hell. Freedom from bingeing really is
possible. Let me help you find it.

Thanks for listening to The Done Bingeing Podcast.

Martha has the highest-level training in both the evidence-based Internal Family Systems approach and in
life coaching, and she’s available to help you stop bingeing. You can learn more about her programs by
going to www.holdingthespace.co and clicking Programs.

Stay tuned for the next episode on freeing yourself from binge eating and creating the life you want.